I read a passage today about philosophy of mind and the limits that are imposed; the limit of design. I tried to grasp the full meaning of the argument, but I was pressed by questions paving my thought process and deductions that needed to be made within a set frame of time. I had no time to derive my own meaning from the words on the screen. I ended up misinterpreting the question, and with the author's d) to my a), I ended up even more confused.
In the pursuit of satisfying the author's preference, I forgave my opportunity to create my own. There was no reasoning behind the answer choice d), and reviewing the passage I still see no reason that d) could have been a valid choice. Could it have been a misprint? Many a time I have thought so only to realize my thinking was incomplete, but could it be this time?
I guess I am trying to grasp at something deeper here, some universal constant. I haven't been the most religious of people in the past couple months, nor do I think this is the turning point. My acuteness has faded, and I am left with the remnants of theological discussions with the youth director at 3am nightly and the sense of discomfort in my stomach.
My friend and I once had a discussion over the phone that turned into one of our recurrent spontaneous examinations. "I threw a paper ball into the trash today, and it missed. I just sat there staring at the paper ball, asking myself 'how much effort is it to get up and throw it away? Why don't I just go and do it?'"
"So did you get up and throw it away"
"Yeah."
"You should apply that to every aspect of your life then."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
So what is the cost of smiling to a stranger? What are the benefits? What do you gain from self-sacrifice away from seeing eyes, besides "riches in Heaven"?
I digress. The main point I want to talk about here is the light that I am searching for. Whether that be God, a woman, a car, a purpose, or just a smile to a stranger a day. I have read a wall full of books telling me how to be successful in life, how to make a million dollars before I am 35, how to meet the love of my life, how to gain eternal life, how to eat, how to drive, how to be lucky. Well now that there's somewhat of a formula to it, it kind of seems less magical. It's like the time I found out why the sunset and sunrise produces such marvelous colors; the wave of awe was tuned down, and the logical side took over.
I have done enough irrational things to know that you won't get caught "the one time you step over the line", but you have to know what you're doing when you step over. I quote Roosevelt's Dare Mighty Things and pump myself up, but I can't live a life of unhindered risk. I am too antsy to sit around and grow old with someone that I am "comfortable" and "safe" with. I have that feral thirst of risk and darkness and unknown that I do not try to lock up or squelch.
What is that one thing that is above all else? What is that one driving passion that would cause me to give up my family, religion, and life for? I know there is something deep within myself that is searching, it slowly tunes down everything else around me, either out of greed or delayed gratification. It either wants my full attention, or it's telling me "No, this is not it. You need to continue your search." That is me.
It is like the rating scale, 1-10. There is never a 10; it is an impossibility; there is no perfect. However, you can get so close that it is almost as good, with just that one little infinitesimally small piece missing. I can probably keep going until I find 9.999999, but it will always lack the one small piece that makes it perfect. Slowly the 9.999999 will move from ".000001 from perfect" to "not perfect", and my search will continue.
The way I see it, though I might be more unsatisfied with life than I am satisfied with it, I will have gotten closer to perfection than if I hadn't expended all the energy and forgone all the opportunity costs of throwing away whatever I had and spending time searching for something better. I guess not trying just doesn't cut it for me. I am not one of the people that will just accept death.
But who am I comparing myself to? I have to be closer to perfection than someone else. I guess that's a good question too. I have no idea who I am comparing myself to, who I am basing my successes and defeats off of. Because I don't have a standard that I am ascribing to, I am running at full pace aimlessly, waiting for the day that my nemesis shows up.
Maybe I'm so far ahead of him and traveling at such a pace that he will never catch up, or maybe I am the one that never catches up. But what do you do in that situation? When you are running a race against another person, unaware of where you started and unaware of where you'll finish, unaware of where your opponent is. Do you stop and wait, or do you sprint as fast as you can to see if they're ahead? That is my predicament. What I've decided to do is to beat myself. I am running at a pace that is slightly faster than what I could and would normally do. Sure I'll tire out faster, but if I want a fighting chance, it's what I have to do.
